I am fairly certain I am in a good mood.

I knew today would be different. I don’t know why. I can’t remember when I figured it out… if it was when I was on the bus, or once I came up from the subway onto the street… I think I was still on the bus. and I just felt that today would be one of those days where everything makes me smile.

I wonder what I look like to people, as I walk down the street, watching everything, everyone, entirely engaged, and often smiling big. Do I look like some really cool interested person? or do I look like I might be retarded or perhaps mentally ill. hmm… possibly not worth pondering.

I took a different bus this morning. Usually I take a bus or a train, both of which are pretty full by the time I enter the scene. I have to scope for my seat.

This bus was mostly empty, but it filled up at one particular stop after mine. And as people started loading up, I realized that I was in the adult version of being picked for kickball teams in 4th grade… would I be picked to sit next to.

I assumed no. I just assumed. Look, I lived a long time as a fat girl. And now, less fat, I’m still a bit wider than many. (And my mental residual to being a former fat girl is the certainty that no one wants to sit next to me.) Plus I am a bit spread out. I mean my bag is half on the other seat, and and I’m in the middle of putting mascara on. which, after a moment too long of contemplating this crap, I resume doing.

And then

hot guy chose me.

Never looked at me, but still!

(it really does not take much!)

Work sucked, was hard, incredibly stressful, whatever

I got through it

It will keep getting better.

I truly believe that.

I got out at 7… a reasonable hour, considering what’s been going on.

And I took a nice walk down to the Bowery Poetry Club.

My friend Margret was performing her one woman show, Orangerie.

Please check out Margret. She may be giving one final performance in May, and I promise you, you want to see this show.

The walk confirmed my mood. It’s not cool, my needing to have my moods confirmed. As if I don’t control my moods! But I’ll tell you, even though I know better, I sure feel like I don’t control them. I feel like they are handed to me. And I need to test them, to see how they will hold.

So my walk was delicious. It’s a beautiful night, every neighborhood is vibrant, I don’t know where I’m going, so I keep asking people, and everyone is nice. New York City, btw is the friendliest city in the world. And don’t you forget it.

And I find the place, with five minutes to spare.

And I’m telling you, this show was mind-blowing.

And spoke to me very directly.

Margret and I have known each other around 11 years.

But tonight, I feel, we became friends.

My apartment.

I love my apartment.

There are a few things about it that I love.

I live right on the highway, a major highway.

it is ridiculous, the noise.

But this time of year

I can hear all the bikes

It’s 2am, and I can hear them leaving the biker bar across the highway.

And considering how many nights I’ve spent over the last year

at the legendary Great Notch Inn,

it excites me and actually warms my heart, just a bit.

I am ready to put my one woman show together.

I am ready to put voice, and my body, to all these thought and words and wind.

I am ready to bring myself fully forward.

with love. and fierceness. and forgiveness.