to work and to love

A little ‘fession to my readers.

(all two of you.)

Lately I have been blogging in my sleep.

By that I don’t mean that I am dreaming in blogs

(although I am)

it means that I have not been deciding to blog

until an hour after I should have been horizontal and unconscious.

and then another 25 minutes after the blog desire comes on,

is when I start actually writing the thing.

I literally am falling asleep while writing.

nodding off mid-blog.

The other night I stared at one short sentence for ten minutes

when I finally was able to focus on it

the words made no sense

did not relate in any way to anything I could identify

truly and really writing in my sleep

So the next morning I’ve been coming back and doing some editing

Nothing entirely hallucinogenic has made it through

But yes they have required a bit of

tweaking

fleshing

and just plain wordsmithing

odd gaps need filling

typos

stuff like that.

I’m still perpetually in a dream-state

which started when?

three weeks ago?

mid-February?

when Urinetown rehearsals took hold of me?

when I had my wls?

or maybe always.

I did do a little

tiny

bit

better this weekend.

The weather helps

(even when I mostly stay inside)

My apartment mess is 1.5% decreased

(come on, roberta, maybe more like 4%!!!)

Today I went to this cuddle party I’ve been talking about, and it was

amazing.

Now, I don’t want to be any official cuddle party spokesperson

I don’t know what it’s like for people

To be clear, it is a non-sexual workshop

there are lots of rules to ensure that fact

but there are areas that are in between.

touching = sensual

non-sexual does not = non-sensual

and the key to the whole event is everything must be overtly

agreed upon

no one is to do anything they are uncomfortable with.

It seemed like most people there

had lovely

loving

gentle

experiences.

Me

I found this one guy

was drawn to him

and we had this sweet and beautiful and communicative and

really really hot interaction.

all within the rules.

Lots of turn-on with full clothing and gentle kissing and I wouldn’t let my flipping hips wiggle

because that would have essentially been against the rules

(yikes!!!)

Eventually we broke

because I wanted to cudd/mingle

and hydrate

I hung out with a few other people

did some chatting

some cuddling

got some massaging

all wonderful, all a pleasure
nothing like the first guy

He left without a word at the end
while I was still in a pile of people (those of us who wanted to were being photographed for a magazine in Norway)

I think he felt insecure that I was comfortable moving on to other people

People assign meanings to stuff all the time

I do.

and I think he decided that I had decided that what he and I shared was not special

because I went on to cuddle, with ease, other people.

Or whatever maybe he’s just a jerk : -)

Rule-pushing encounter aside,

the event was startlingly moving and powerful

I almost cried a few times

At the end everyone sang me happy birthday while we were standing in a circle

and it was hard

really hard

for me to accept it.

I could barely look at people.

really.

me.

not usually one to shy away from attention.

but I am not usual right now.

dream-state or whatever.

I am currently at walking wounded status.

and sometimes I forget

(because I am getting better)

and this outpour of affection and attention

reminded me

not really cognitively but psychically and emotionally of

what I’ve lost recently

and it hurt.

I have to have to

have to

break up this clot, this blight, this pain

I can’t let it clog me anymore

I have to breathe and sleep

like a person

who breathes and sleeps

Who is it

was it Freud?

whose definition of sanity

was the ability

to work and to love

I’m not even sure I’m there.

but first let me re-master

breathing and sleeping.

Thanks for the cuddle, LP.