sweet kisses I’ve got to spare

Let me explain something.

I’m having a really bad day.

I’m having a day that is so bad

I am genuinely worried about me.

And I am so overpowered by my own bad day

that I was coming home

all alone

all sad

all overwhelmed

thinking

I have to write a blog

(because it’s becoming a need)

and I don’t know how I’m going to take all these miserable feelings

and make them into any kind of worth-reading blog.

(as self-indulgey as these are, I do have one eye on readability. I am looking out for you. the royal you.)

Let’s try that again.

this is all I can think of to write about; the misery. the feeling like I’m falling apart. like I am at a breaking point.

and then somehow I flash on that I quit smoking in October. and so it’s been nearly six months.

and I know that number (six) really quickly and readily because

wait for it

October is my half birthday. I’ve just always known that.

and it takes me that long to get to

that tomorrow is my birthday

and that tonight I get to write a whole

what-I’ve-done-in-the-last-year-or-whatever-time-increments-I-choose blog.

So that begins now.

(how do you measure?)

Let’s start with the fun stuff.

.Two days after my last birthday I picked up the ‘rock star’ I’d been wanting for months. walked right in and scooped him up and even though 24 hours later I was as discarded as… something really discarded, I still get blushy and happy thinking about that event.

.If I’m counting correctly, I’ve kissed, or something very much like kissed, (this is it, Seymour), 24 people since my last birthday. yay kissing.

(Sorry. 25.)

This year

.I got over my fear of going to my local biker bar. I in fact, became a regular. I’m not there as much lately, but what a wonderful little gift to me… to have gained comfort in such unfamiliar ground. It’s a musical haven, and a blessed hideaway for me.

.I performed an extraordinary dramatic monologue.

(26!)

(oh my god I’m not kidding… 27.)

(holy!)

.In June I sat an ex down. I looked him in the eye and said I’m glad we’re getting along lately, but eight years ago, you did me wrong and pretty much ruined my life. After we talked a while, he looked me in the eye and said… I am really sorry that I did you wrong and pretty much ruined your life. We now speak on the phone regularly. He is an invaluable member of my cabinet.

.I performed, and performed well, in Urinetown, the Musical, in community theater. The greatest theatrical experience of my life. And socially, it was a total love-fest, one that has altered me forever. I will never change my story on that, no matter what else wiggles.

.I did similar repair work with my sister as with the ex. That is a harder row, but we’ve made strides, stridier than any we’ve made in nearly a decade.

.I’ve done some shitty things too. I don’t really need to list them… it’s my birthday, right?

.I karaoke’d a bunch.

.I filled my home with people over and over and over. I had sleepovers. I hosted my first Thanksgiving. I had a private little Rosh Hashana. I had my second annual New Year’s Day extravaganza.

.I had me a 25 year old (!!!)

.I left my job of six years for a better one. We are not talking tonight about how much I’m freaking out over work.

.I embraced my inner fag hag. camp follower. whatever. she’s back. she knows her audience.

.I went to Bikram yoga. ME!!! Bikram freaking yoga!!!

.I joined and quit an improv group.

.I’ve hit levels of despair, dysfunction, disappointment, delirium, depression and drunkenness (not all at the same time) that I didn’t know I was capable of.

.I started writing. I’ve become a writer. I am more passionate about that than anything else right now. And after talking for years about writing a one-woman-show, I started blogging as a means to that. I have since booked a workshop slot to perform the show this August. This will happen. I couldn’t be more ready to get to work.

.Me and my guitar opened for my favorite band. My absolute favorite band.

.I kissed the man of my dreams. (well, one of them. my dreams.) and very recently we made love. and it is not the most important thing that I have going on. and miraculously, appropriately, I am not attached. and I love him. love without attachment. I am very very moved that I could get there. There is hope for the old girl yet.

.I received an anonymous phone call from a psycho wife I did not know existed! This was not a man of my dreams, just a keyboard player I was interested in. Thank goodness I had not slept with this one!

.I gave out three sets of keys to my apartment. My life was wide open, and I was sharing it with so many people I was wide open with. So much love.

.I got one set back. tonight. with a cryptic (of course) birthday card. oh god I’m so tired. so tired of this.

.I made some amazing friends, with a forty year age span.

.I went to a cuddle party.

.I had one beautiful night by the bonfire.

.I held an audience captive with just me and my guitar. A domeful of strangers asking my name and wanting more. I am a fucking event.

.I buried some friends. Sang at a funeral.

.I met my new nephew.

.I quit smoking on Samhain.

.and I really

really

got older.

I’m sorry, but how do you measure?

Thanks all of you. every last one of you.

bless and release. and bring on everything I want. for the good of all.