Conversations with men

C: I used you. to get clearer on what I am not looking for. I knew you were not boyfriend material; I knew there was a whole lot I wasn’t feeling, but I hoped I could enter into something casual and fun. Turns out I couldn’t. Just couldn’t. I have to feel some connection. I thought my delight in being pursued (not to mention your beautiful but bleary eyes) would provide enough of a connection, but no go. I need someone to be hungrier for me, not just for my company. Someone who can’t wait to find out more about me. And I need to feel the same hunger for you (the proverbial you).

M&WiN: I am drawn to you, but I don’t know from where, or to what.

transitional swirlings and twirlings; part 1

A quick rundown:

Thursday I lost my job. Unexpectedly. Emotionally. Controversially.

Thursday night I drank.

Friday, a bit hungover, I… absorbed. Prepared to prepare. Also attended a funeral. And got a haircut. If it weren’t for the fact I was appearing in a show next week, I would have gone really short. The ‘fired’ (technically laid off) haircut wanted to be shorter than the ‘breakup’ haircut.

Saturday night was another Rocky Horror reunion dinner. (I was part of the official NYC floorshow 20-ish years ago.) Beautiful night. Made some friends. I’d like to write more about that, but this needs to be a quick one. And I met a boy! Was picked up by (or perhaps I did the picking) the only heterosexual available age-appropriate male in the room. AND HE CALLED THE NEXT DAY. A freaking first.

this was important. in some alternate reality.

What metaphysical terror are you?
Alternate Reality You’re strange and quirky but don’t violate any rules of physics violently. Usually there is only one outstanding difference between you and other people but sometimes it can be big enough to make a huge difference. Try watching the Twilight Zone.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful

I was talking to the therapist about men and attention and flattery… Joe never flattered, and on the one hand it was oh-so lesson filled for me to have to dig inside for my confidence. I certainly knew he was attracted to me, but did he think I was beautiful? WHAT did he find the most beautiful? I never really knew…

So Dr J and I were talking, and there’s a new guy. Just a guy, no story yet. But he flatters. And in the right way; the way that shows he is really paying attention. He kept saying I had the cutest dimples when I smile… I have dimples? Whatever; it made me smile more.

this doesn’t feel one bit like deja vu

I lost my job yesterday. Laid off. Business has been slow, but, for reasons I don’t feel like describing, I thought my position would be safe. Instead it was the first to go. Or perhaps the only. I’ll know that soon, although it hardly matters to me… being as I don’t work there anymore.

It was very emotional. That aspect was pretty devastating. The financial impact, the I-have-no-idea-what-is-next-for-me… that’s pretty scary too, although the effects of the emotional separation I am suffering from are allowing me to be in a bit of denial about the oh-god-I-wish-I-had-saved and what-if-I-can’t-find-a-job.

I am rehearsing this show… it’s nice to know for two weeks I have a focus. And I registered yesterday morning for Free Spirit, so I have that to look forward to.

Last year I was fired on the Tuesday after Memorial Day. And I went to Free Spirit and met a boy. But it was all different. And I was all different.

Getting the grease

Last Tuesday night I went to see a friend of mine perform in a workshop… he’d been taking an acting/improv class for several months, and this workshop performance was the culmination of their work. I had a great time, and was pleased to see how good he was (which I’d suspected), but also, it left me jazzed; hungry for a project.

The next morning I got a phone call from my friend Brad. He’d been trying for months to get clearance from a local community theater to do a workshop of his new and original musical, the Manson Family Follies, and that morning (last Wednesday) he got offered June 6th. The June 6th that’s like, any minute. I was among the first of his phone calls. He’d written the part of Squeaky Fromme with me in mind. I’ve been waiting for this opportunity. Would I be willing to do this project in such a compact rehearsal period?

Capturing the Riches

I have been watching the Riches every week, since its premiere. And I’ve been meaning to follow up since I first mentioned it.

It has a lot going for it. The premise is unique, the performances are magical, the plots are exciting. Sort of.

I continue to have mixed feelings.

The set-up is simple. A family of grifters, (the Malloys), winds up leaving their grifter community on bad terms (and stealing a bunch of money on the way out) and then while they’re in transit to no particular destination they are involved in an accident which kills a random couple who had been on their way to their new home in an incredibly wealthy neighborhood that they had purchased via the internet so the grifter family moves into the big rich house and assumes the dead people’s identities.

Okay not so simple. And it gets a whole lot more complicated than that.

I like that it doesn’t feel like any other show I’ve watched. I like that it is taking me on a ride I’ve never been on before. I like the world of the ‘travelers’ (their grifter community). I like this family a lot.

I can’t freaking comment on Corinna’s blog

So here.

Her blog.

My comment:

When I was in my early 20s two of my closest girlfriends (who were, by any standards, hot, and also, slender) talked to me like, intervention style, about how they don’t always want me to go out with them because it (my fat presence) keeps guys away.

So thoughtful.

Truth is I’d been on the sidelines while they’d picked up, or been picked up by, many, many men. I didn’t see the interference. I think they were really saying it (my fat presence) made everyone involved uncomfortable.
Umm… I don’t know if I have a point. Except that they sucked and didn’t know it.

Her blog.

My comment:

the true meaning of friendship

I haven’t heard from Joe in weeks. Not since my birthday. That’s almost three weeks ago.

And I had sent him a sweetish text early last week. Nothing. I’ve heard nothing.

Deb says that usually I want to stay friends really just means I don’t want to be enemies.

We know better than to try and pretend

What’s the rule… 3-day? 4-day? I meet him on a Wednesday night and he has to wait how long before he calls?

He thinks… what. that the anticipation is a turn-on?

You know what’s a turn-on? I know there’s this 3-day rule but I couldn’t wait that long to hear your voice.

So maybe it’s about control.

But maybe it’s about fear. Because oh god if I call too soon what if she gets the wrong idea. Okay maybe it is about control.

I’ve got news for you, guys; it doesn’t matter what you do… We’ll Get The Wrong Idea Anyway!

(ahem.)

the end by rkl.