transitional swirlings and twirlings; part 2
Posted by Roberta Lipp on June 1, 2007
There is a lot going on for me. I feel most certainly in limbo… my feet not quite anywhere.
Just to recap:
Thursday I lost my job. Saturday I met a guy. Sunday a dear friend of mine, who is eight years old, was in a terrible accident.
And here I am.
The little girl is a miracle, but will continue to have a rough recovery. She is on my mind, and in all my other parts, all the time. Along with everything else that is swirling. Her father called me Wednesday morning and told me that she wanted to hear me sing. Not so easy to do through tears. Tomorrow morning I am driving up to Rhode Island (she is in the hospital in Providence) to see her. With my guitar. Per her request.
I have been hardly job hunting. That’s one of the places I am simply NOT yet. I did put out the word, and send my resume to one lead, as well as to one of the headhunters I’ve worked with in the past, but looking for a new job is not my full-time job right now. Not even part-time. More like a hobby.
The thing is, I am rethinking my life. All of it. How I live. This isn’t working for me; that’s obvious. And the thing that needs to be fully explored and better defined is… exactly what is it that isn’t working for me? I should be doing things more, creatively. More writing, more performing. I should be in a stronger community. So one idea–which is more of an umbrella idea–is go live in a cool hippie town and have a few more social jobs and play some music and do more theater and grab onto a more community oriented lifestyle.
But this spawns many new thoughts. Like… can I handle that, from a life-managerial role? I don’t do so well managing a more structured life, so how can I expect myself to handle a hippie life? Also… if I want to start doing more of those things, why don’t I just start doing them from here? These are all parts of the swirl.
The date with the new guy was a disaster. He is a train wreck, and no, I don’t like to stare at those. Perhaps this gets its own post. But he was dumped after an hour and a half. Talk about your speed dating!
My former company cut a bunch more people yesterday. It was a bloodbath. I am so sad for them, and for those that remain, but it has helped me move on. I’m not the latest catastrophe, and I don’t work there anymore. Period.
Next Wednesday is my performance, and I’m too excited about it! I’m so glad it came along at this time.
Here is a little story:
So, after rehearsal Wednesday night I head to the Notch (my local biker bar. It’s Wednesday, ‘bike night’, and sure, I was hoping to run into the guy from a few weeks ago who should have called me by now and who I shouldn’t WANT to run into being as he hasn’t called. But there I am.)
Also, I’d gotten a text from Joe about 20 minutes before I left rehearsal. It was really sweet, and I was a bit shaken by the sweet. (Remember; Joe is a good guy, and after my ’speed date’ I dreamed about him, and also with this hurt child in my world… I have been missing him in a way that I thought I was passed… so I’m not so surprised I heard from him. But it made me sad. Sad because that little glimmer of what had been just illuminates the current empty, and refreshes the loss.)
So I’m at the Notch, sitting on the porch, drinking my absolut & cranberry and with my sad-on. Hoping this guy will show up and somehow change my mood… you know, the mood I’m supposed to be able to change myself.
(And all the time the little girl stays on my mind. Doesn’t ever leave.)
Then some friends show up, Michael and Cindi; he’s a guitarist/singer in a really really good band. Yay Michael and Cindi showing up.
(There’s a point to this step-by-step.)
Then I spot a young woman named Melissa. Melissa works at Cool Beans, which is the very hip coffee shop/hippie hang in Oradell, right next to my theater. She dates Chris, the owner of Cool Beans. He is there as well. I have never EVER seen them at the Notch before. Melissa is someone who, the moment I met her, the very first time I ordered tea from her, we connected. I don’t say this frivolously. We totally meant to become friends, we just never took action on it. But every time I walk into the shop and she’s working, it feels like we should hug.
We say hi, we’re marveling at how random this is, blah blah blah. They wander in a different direction; I go back to talking to Cindi.
After awhile I ask Cindi… if I were to get my guitar out of my car (I only had it with me so that Shane, aka Charlie Manson, doesn’t have to schlep his from the city) does she think I could get Michael to play a little acoustic?
Endless story fast-forwarded, I get my guitar. Michael does come out and plays it a bit. (I am always amazed at what a good instrument I have in the hands of real players. And they always give me praises for what great tone it has… I bought this thing for like $200 in 1989/90ish. OHhhh, but I digress.)
But Michael wants to go back inside, so I start playing. And I am several drinks in, and sometimes this wrecks me, but last night my playing and singing were quite intact. Better than intact. Ass-kicking.
And then Chris and Melissa wander up onto the porch… and the next thing I know it’s Why haven’t you been playing in my place?
And I am ridiculous. Because first I started with Because I’m really not good at this. And after Chris argued back, I immediately changed it to Oh! I mean, I just lost my job and you just offered me work playing and OF COURSE I will! (Yes, I said all that, just like that.)
I played covers, I played originals, I played requests.
New life starts———> now.
the end by rkl.
PS I spoke with Joe for two hours yesterday morning. It felt incredibly good to speak with him. He was duly horrified that I’d lost my job… I think I was afraid he would under-react, and I just couldn’t handle that. But also, what I found out is… in the last few months of getting over him, I’ve turned him into a bit of a loser. Part of the angry phase, right? The problem is, I’ve turned myself into a bit of a loser for having been with him. I hadn’t really understood that until yesterday, when I felt better about him, and in turn, a little better about me. Of course, I am also back to the waffling. I now want to see him. What, it would kill me? I just lost my job, for fucksake!
Seymour, MSW said
Wow– this is a new favorite entry.
It’s all here: the good, the bad, the hope that comes from both…
I think a community-oriented lifestyle is what you need more of. I think that it is the only thing holding our area back from star quality.
I talk about Ithaca so much because it’s where I feel part of something more than myself.
It’s Ithaca, it’s theatre, it’s Charlie… it’s what we’re all looking for. A place to belong.
dancing tree said
Ithaca sounds cool and right as does the community thingy. Many of us already know of your talents and keep waiting for them to blossom further. Fires was great, I now have medium speed internet, and, in response to an earlier response to an earlier blog, some of us men are really good at self loathing too. Things actually sound like they are getting better in a strange way and yes, I am glad you are doing the yoga thing (also an earlier blog) and hope that you are still doing it. Mmmmm, a place to belong.
Seymour, MSW said
I came back for an update!
Roberta Lipp said
I’ll sum up… Joe just commented on about 25 blogs in a few sentences, and is in support of my moving to Ithaca, which I had not really been considering. Ithaca is about 300 miles from where Joe lives, which of course, should not be a factor in Joe’s recommendations.
(It is likely that if I do choose a hippie town, it will be one north of here.)
Deborah Lipp said
Ithaca is too cold for my tastes, but I guess it’s appealing. I’d imagine a New Platz or Lambertville type place might be nicer. Or, y’know, Amherst.
Roberta Lipp said
Right… ’cause Amherst = not cold.
I am thinking any of those places. There is something appealing about being closer to Brushwood, but it’s a dumb motivation. Western Mass has much appeal, but it also depends on what I get cooking here. I am working on some voiceover stuff, and staying closer to New York may remain important for that. (Also, the local branch of the family stays local-ish.)
For now, I need a corporate job. From which to plan. Like Connie, who spent three years preparing to leave Wall Street. I’m not quite ready to just, you know, pack.
The Retropolitan said
Syracuse has beautiful summers!
Corinna said
I used to live in Hudson New York. Very artsy. I bet you could find gigs to play. Lots of galleries and cafes and people doing local volunteering. Fun place and it still feels like a small town.
Personally I want to move to Portland Oregon. I really love the Pacific Northwest and Portland is a great town.
Deborah Lipp said
Except for Lambertville, all those places are cold. But hell, you’re not moving to Austin, so you’re stuck with winter.
Roberta Lipp said
I actually like cold. It’s why I’m thinking north, as opposed to Lambertville. Even just a little north feels a little better, at least in my mind. Of course, I have a bad back and just plain hate shoveling.
Currently not relocating; this is all long-range conjecture.
Jen said
Just FYI – Got back from Rhode Island Wed night with Rich. She’s healing before everyone’s eyes. The difference in appearance within 24 hours was incredible. She’s truly an amazingly strong little chicky.
Very cool stuff.
She said “I missed you” when I walked in the door to her room and sat next to her on the bed. Felt like I got hit in the chest with a 2X6!