It's me. I've got a story. I am a story. I have a one-woman-show in development, and initially the online journaling was intended for that. But more and more I've just been enjoying it for its own sake. I am a singer, a songwriter and a voiceover artist, but finding my voice through this medium provides its own expansion.
I just wanted to check in. Last week I was in a bit of distress. There were a few setbacks… in addition to the coffeemaker breaking (and I was sure they would not replace it), a voiceover marketing training session that I was enrolled in (phone-in only, thank goodness) had a scheduling snafu, so when I called in, I was an hour late for the wrong class. I also got word on NOT getting another job I’d interviewed for. Plus everyone was at Starwood. Everyone but me.
Things are slightly better. I did finally get through to the fine people (just one woman, actually) at the Cuisinart parts and warranty place and she assured me that a brand new, better than ever replacement would be on its way.
My training session was last night, and it was terrific. And I have overcome the first obstacle… we were told that it is key to get a look, and get CD labels (with jackets and spines and everything) and postcards and business cards, all with that same look. Having spent the last seven years in advertising, I totally get it about branding; having a look. And even if I were to go with something incredibly generic looking, I still need it all laid out to the right specs for all these components. Well, today a friend from the business offered to design a logo and a look and lay it all out for me. This is a huge gift.
Talked to Joe last night, just coming home from Starwood. He may visit next weekend; that is still tbd. He commented all the f— over the last three-ish weeks worth of my blogs last night! But talking to him… I haven’t been talking too much (or writing too much) about how bad and scary it is here, with no job. And as my speech is speeding up as I’m trying to explain he says, You don’t have to explain. I know you, Roberta. Which melted me. Despite whatever it is we did not have together, we did have an awful lot… of intimacy, of knowing each other and trusting each other, and sure, maybe this is all a setback for me, but Joe still rattles my insides a little, and sometimes the rattling is a good thing.
And I am actually remarkably content with not having been at Starwood. It would just have been wrong for me to go… too irresponsible. As I said to Joe last night, it would have been… (and how is this for a song title?)… Tainted Bliss.
And just now, just this minute, I sat down here at the computer with a perfect cup of coffee. Which has somehow become my new symbol of hope and wellness.
I am publishing this per Paula’s request. I make the best meatballs ever, but I do it, at this point, by instinct. And I learned them from my mom, who also never measured anything. So I am guessing on all the quantities. I always make a ton… usually for a crowd; between 3 and 4 pounds of meat. I will try this recipe for 2 pounds.
This will be the basic recipe from which I have varied over the years. I continue to try different ball methods… there are so many; so many schools of thought on the perfect ball.
But the secret to my meatball greatness is, I’m admitting it, that I taste the meat raw, and continue to doctor accordingly. If you can’t stomach this, and who can blame you, cook yourself little sample balls before rolling any up.
Through the recipe I will include several variations and other comments. Cause, uh, I’m not a recipe writer; I’m an inside thought revealer. (What did I call myself, Joe? An ideas man?)
Also… any of my recipes, if I ever post more, are SO NOT for people who can’t cook. You gotta have a clue, ‘cause I may leave out stuff that’s intuitive to me.
I finished the final Harry Potter book on Thursday. (C’mon, you don’t really need a link, do you?)
(I promise you, this entry contains no Deathly Hallows spoilers.)
It’s a big deal for me, as I struggle with reading. I started off well in this one… was having an easier time reading and retaining, but it got rough for me during the middle. My friend Albert has been my Potter co-conspirator since pretty much the beginning… I don’t remember exactly when I joined the bandwagon, (I am pretty sure it was before the third book was released), but my reading them was Al’s idea.
And he reads faster than me, and although he deliberately drags it out for himself in order to better absorb and relish, (I believe he typically reads each chapter twice before moving on) (whereas I am racing to see what happens!), he is still always ahead of me and our discussions are careful until I am finished.
This year, because of school and work responsibilities, he needed to get it all finished last weekend. Pretty much read straight through, finishing up Sunday evening. And then keep his mouth shut and wait for me.
As we remember, I am like… out of work. Lots of time to read. But I walk away from what I’m reading. A lot. So it took me longer, even with all this time to devote, than it needed to.
I really thought I’d finish Wednesday, and then I didn’t, and it was at this point that Albert began acting a bit anxiously about it. So Thursday, I started sending him text message updates, but I was too absorbed now to want to take the time to actually write anything, so I was sending him pictures of my progress.
I was meaning to write a review of AMC’s new show Mad Men, but Deb beat me to it. So read hers, and I have a comment on there as well.
I love this show. In addition to all the fascination of looking through this meticulously developed scope into this particular time and place (1960 in the New York City advertising world), they have laid down a terrific foundation of already rich characters… not easy to do in a pilot. The serial aspect of this will be a great ride.
Take a look at the behind the scenes stuff if you can… they’ve been using it for weeks to promote it, and it’s certainly what drew me in. They’ve spent a lot of money on the production, and spent it well. I hope this show succeeds… AMC is an odd home for a big hit.
Today it’s just too hard. I have no job and few prospects and my coffeemaker broke and the warranty place hung up on me three times and I flashed on a Joe moment and missed him so strongly that I burst into tears and my auto finance place dicked me around (and bullied me in the process) (second burst of tears) and Harry, Ron and Hermione are just. plain. fucked.
At least receiving my unemployment check and requiring a cup of coffee forced me out of the house. Although I came back awful quickly.
It’s only when you stop looking that you’ll find someone.
Have I mentioned thinking this is the biggest load of crap? Ever?
I mean, I think there is something to the energy shift that can accompany not being desperate, and that can affect how you are perceived. But please note that this still means that I hope that you (the boy) will perceive me differently and therefore become interested in me when before you were not. So this does not exactly indicate that I have stopped looking.
Besides, there is also something to being clear and focused. I want a relationship. Partnership. Love and fun and a lifetime of me-and-youness and a baby please. And I’m never going to be not looking. And I have truly been enjoying shedding the shame of having a mission. It doesn’t seem to stop me from flirting or being flirted with. When I meet someone who feels fun but NOT permanent, having it out there seems more freeing, for both of us. We both know you ain’t it, and yet we’re still enjoying each other’s company. It’s almost like because he knows my search will continue far beyond him, the pressure is off.
This of course was not the case for me and Joe, this lightness surrounding what I wanted. But it was always honest between us. Which is why it honestly did not work out. Read the rest of this entry »
I have been rearranging things in my apartment, and it has made it difficult for me to blog. I’ve sort of fucked with my mojo.
I’ve been turning my dining room into an office, and it has been a bumpy transition. I started this two weeks ago, and it has only been the last few days where I have been somewhat physically comfortable, and today I made some more improvements. But I have a very hard time focusing from over here in the dining room, on blogging. (I have gotten up about five times since I started writing this.)
Now, for those who know me well, you may be wondering why the hell I would make any change that would compromise my ability to focus.
Yeah. It’s a little weird. Because the point of doing it (or, one point; there were a few reasons I made this change) was, in fact, to help me focus better. And in some ways it has, and, I think it will continue to strengthen. I think this is the adjustment period. I think the result has already been and will continue to be overall improved productivity.
And yet somehow the blogging suffers. Because there is a groove, and I’m not in it.
Let us chant Diana’s praise, oh women! Let us sing of the goddess of wildness and of wilderness, she who loves both stream and woodland, she who delights in mountain forest and shadowed groves. If we praise her, perhaps she will end the wars that bring tears and starvation, illness and fear. Perhaps she will be moved if we pray hard enough to her. Perhaps she will be moved if we pray hard enough.–Roman poet Horace
