I shall bring a mat and pillow.

It is hard to feel normal anymore.

I’ve just been alone in this apartment way too much. I write about the good stuff in between, but there’s a whole lot of sitting around.

Tomorrow I have a paid day… which may lead to a job. That would be really good. So it’s a working interview.

And I’m questioning my ability to get through a day’s work. Without, you know, a nap.

I did NOT nap today.

In fact, what I did today was what I should have done every day I’ve been off. I went to a nearby park, Verona Park. Apparently I live around ten minutes from this amazing park, with a lake and paddle boats and lots of space to walk around and trails and gardeny things and at least one cool playground. And perhaps a bar.

Brought the guitar and some music to work on and a blanket and some sunscreen (thanks, Joe) and was there for just a couple of hours but it was a pleasure.

Except I made some sweet iced tea and brought a bottle of it and didn’t think about the ants until I was lips and eyeball to antfarm. I remain remarkably untraumatized by that little encounter.

Anyway, I’m getting up at 6 which should be plenty of time to get me functional and out of this house.

I am not so much nervous as concerned.

Psychic Monogamy

“Direct Marketing. I thought of that. Turns out it already existed, but I arrived at it independently.” – Pete Campbell; AMC’s Mad Men

I remember coming up with this term; psychic monogamy, about 13 years ago. I remember who I was talking with, but not who we were talking about… which of her men, which of my obsessions, we might have been applying it to.

It was my greatest risk with Joe. The whole time we were dating, I was technically still single and still looking. But was I really?

Yes and no. The comfort that I take in being able to say there’s a someone is intense. Really intense. I spent almost every minute of my life with a no one. You know why I talk so much about Joe? Because it makes me feel like I am a part of this planet. And I want to make sure you know it too. Because in my gut of guts I am sure that you can see right through me, and that you know that I am doomed to be alone, always, and that I am never truly to be part of this planet. And so I talk up what I have. And hang onto everything from this complicated relationship to a flirtation at a bar like it’s my whole fucking story.