A comment to Heidi
Posted by Roberta Lipp on September 18, 2007
A woman named Heidi bravely told her story of being immobilized. She weighs over 500 pounds, and has made the decision to have weight loss surgery. She really. Doesn’t. Want. The surgery. Her story is fascinating. Please go read it. I’ll wait.
Okay, here are my words to Heidi:
I had WLS. I was not as opposed to it as you are. I bought into the whole thing.… after years and years and years of working the fat acceptance angle, I finally embraced my desire to ‘get it fixed’. And it’s been hard for me, marrying all the truths.
Which isn’t you at all. And I am so sad for you that you are having this surgery while it opposes everything you believe in, and I am sad for you at this life you’ve been living these days. And blown the fuck away by your bravery.
Here’s the part that your story called up for me.
One of my great conflicts in life is that I am so hip to healthy eating, eastern healing methods, and the balances of nature. Truly and tragically hip to all that. But I will barrel through a box of Ring Dings in a heartbeat, and I am sedentary. I am ‘unhealth at any size’ personified. And, more than many, I KNOW BETTER. And so I live an ongoing life of shame, because every ailment, every headache, every wrenched shoulder is a reminder to me that I am doing it wrong.
And certainly slicing up my organs seemed a great insult and assault to my body. And anti-yoga, anti-nature, anti-everything I believed in. “Believed” in, but hardly practiced.
And for me, that was my answer… for ME, to not have this surgery in the name of striving for balance… my answer was, finally, “You call this balance?”
Again, my story is not in any way your story. And I never pretended I didn’t just plain want to be smaller; I assure you I did. And still do. It’s hard going in, it’s hard coming out, it’s hard 3 ½ years later, and it’s ultimately shameful, how much weight I’ve gained back. I don’t proselytize, I don’t promote the surgery. And lately, especially hanging out in here, I am trying to get healthy for healthy’s sake. And I’ve JUST started really working on that… not dieting, but having attention on revising some of the unhealthiest of my food habits, and doing yoga, which feels incredible. (And I don’t know your history, but as soon as you are able, I recommend the gentlest of yoga; perhaps with private instruction if you can afford it. It will make you FEEL graceful and strong.) And this morning I put on a skirt, and it felt maybe a drop less tight, and I got the happy floaty feeling. So no, I’m not there yet… I STILL want to be smaller.
(Which is why I brought all this here, to my blog, rather than in a comment on yours.)
My thoughts are with you. Please feel free to contact me if you’d like, through your process. Keep crying a lot. Maybe one day you’ll be done.
My other words of advice, and you can take ‘em or leave ‘em, are… once you’ve lost some weight, enjoy it. Please don’t continue to agonize over how you got there. Things will still be hard, and you know that, and keep fighting the good fight, but now that you’re doing this, don’t hate the results just because society kinda sucks.