A comment to Heidi
Posted by Roberta Lipp on September 18, 2007
A woman named Heidi bravely told her story of being immobilized. She weighs over 500 pounds, and has made the decision to have weight loss surgery. She really. Doesn’t. Want. The surgery. Her story is fascinating. Please go read it. I’ll wait.
Okay, here are my words to Heidi:
I had WLS. I was not as opposed to it as you are. I bought into the whole thing.… after years and years and years of working the fat acceptance angle, I finally embraced my desire to ‘get it fixed’. And it’s been hard for me, marrying all the truths.
Which isn’t you at all. And I am so sad for you that you are having this surgery while it opposes everything you believe in, and I am sad for you at this life you’ve been living these days. And blown the fuck away by your bravery.
Here’s the part that your story called up for me.
One of my great conflicts in life is that I am so hip to healthy eating, eastern healing methods, and the balances of nature. Truly and tragically hip to all that. But I will barrel through a box of Ring Dings in a heartbeat, and I am sedentary. I am ‘unhealth at any size’ personified. And, more than many, I KNOW BETTER. And so I live an ongoing life of shame, because every ailment, every headache, every wrenched shoulder is a reminder to me that I am doing it wrong.
And certainly slicing up my organs seemed a great insult and assault to my body. And anti-yoga, anti-nature, anti-everything I believed in. “Believed” in, but hardly practiced.
And for me, that was my answer… for ME, to not have this surgery in the name of striving for balance… my answer was, finally, “You call this balance?”
Again, my story is not in any way your story. And I never pretended I didn’t just plain want to be smaller; I assure you I did. And still do. It’s hard going in, it’s hard coming out, it’s hard 3 ½ years later, and it’s ultimately shameful, how much weight I’ve gained back. I don’t proselytize, I don’t promote the surgery. And lately, especially hanging out in here, I am trying to get healthy for healthy’s sake. And I’ve JUST started really working on that… not dieting, but having attention on revising some of the unhealthiest of my food habits, and doing yoga, which feels incredible. (And I don’t know your history, but as soon as you are able, I recommend the gentlest of yoga; perhaps with private instruction if you can afford it. It will make you FEEL graceful and strong.) And this morning I put on a skirt, and it felt maybe a drop less tight, and I got the happy floaty feeling. So no, I’m not there yet… I STILL want to be smaller.
(Which is why I brought all this here, to my blog, rather than in a comment on yours.)
My thoughts are with you. Please feel free to contact me if you’d like, through your process. Keep crying a lot. Maybe one day you’ll be done.
My other words of advice, and you can take ‘em or leave ‘em, are… once you’ve lost some weight, enjoy it. Please don’t continue to agonize over how you got there. Things will still be hard, and you know that, and keep fighting the good fight, but now that you’re doing this, don’t hate the results just because society kinda sucks.
kateharding said
It’s really interesting to see your thoughts on all this, Roberta. And your story just makes me wish so much that we had a better understanding of why some people will “barrel through a box of Ring Dings in a heartbeat,” because it seems like there must be a better solution than invasive surgery. But of course, fatphobia gets in the way of really studying the way people eat, because practically every effort to investigate begins with a one-size-fits-all idea of what we should be eating. As long as the focus is on getting people to eat in a certain way — primarily via guilt and shame — instead of asking thoughtful questions about hunger and cravings and compulsions, I don’t have a lot of hope that we’ll come to a full understanding of different eating behaviors any time soon.
Roberta Lipp said
I don’t either.
It takes so much work for me to quiet my head and body down enough for me to occasionally not want the Ring Dings (or the fried-iest meatiest creamiest whatever). For the last 20ish years I have all but let go of dieting and the concept of good/bad foods, and the like… pretty much I eat what I want. In many ways, my head is less crazy as a result. But when I feel sick or lethargic or sugar-strung out, it’s still me I beat up. Once I had the wls I took it as lisence to eat more of what I wanted, because I only had room for so much, I better make it good (fun).
It would be amazing to see it studied without judgment. It would be amazing to see it observed without judgment. Like, by everyone. All of us.
Liz said
“it’s ultimately shameful, how much weight I’ve gained back”
Is that really shameful? Or is that your body’s way of telling you that there is a right weight for you?
Fat acceptance is about Healthy-At-Any-Size. But before I knew about that, my philosophy was, what’s the big moral sin about being unhealthy?
I could take the skinniest, healthiest person I know and find a laundry list of things they should be doing “for their own good.” People jump out of airplanes. I love carbs. You love ring dings. So what?
And the thing that I learned is that “healthy” and “shame” are always going to have a difficult time co-existing in the same body. The stressful, shameful relationship with food that many of us have has got to end because carrying that stress and that shame is 100 times more unhealthy than any of the ring-ding boxes you can go through.
That’s why I don’t take much of a stance on the WLS issue. Its not right for some people, it is right for others. I don’t want to add any more shame to the flame at this point.
Roberta Lipp said
Yup. I agree with you. And then I still feel what I feel, and then THAT sucks too.
I’m so confused!!!
kateharding said
Very well said, Liz.
And Roberta, acknowledging the confusion and talking about it is important. It can feel just as lonely to be around a bunch of people insisting that you love yourself when you’re not sure how as it does to be around a bunch of people insisting you must be thin.
Roberta Lipp said
Kate… I KNOW!
It’s why I’m here. For real. Embracing My Ambivalence could be my Indian name.
(I really, really outta write a book of all my Indian names.)
Liz said
Thanks Kate.
Roberta, I so understand that confusion. I’ve recently lapsed in my fat acceptance beliefs and spent a lot of time beating myself up and letting others get me down. Reading Shapely Prose and other fat acceptance blogs and especially Heidi’s post has really really helped me work through a lot of my confusing issues.
Also, writing about it, painting beautiful rotund women and finding creative outlets to express my anger, confusion and pride in myself as a fat woman helped tremendously.
Loving your body is a life long affair and, just like the one with my partner, it has its ups and downs and sometimes requires a bit of compromise.
Deborah Lipp said
I have been dealing so much with shame. And I’ve been feeling a little triggered (Kate and I have corresponded on this) by Health At Any Size stuff. Because like you, SO not healthy. At any size. Like when I was thin? Didn’t exercise. When I compulsively dieted? Didn’t exercise. Now that I’m fat? Don’t exercise.
From time to time I start an exercise program. I want to retain my mobility despite my knee injuries, and that requires exercising my knee.
But exercise. Is. Boring. Boringboringboring. How do people do it? And enjoy it? And relish it? I get that they do. I get that Arthur will get on his bike and go somewhere just for the joy of movement. You loves you some yoga. But I don’t experience it. And with not experiencing it, it’s hard to maintain. I go 2, 3 times a week to the gym and do the bike and elliptical and leg press, for like six months, and see mucho improvement, and the first time I can’t get a parking space, I go home and don’t go back for a year.
Shame.
I buy a particular kind of pretzel that I just love, and I eat so much that it makes me sick. So I buy it again and put a chip clip on it and put it away when I’ve had enough. That’s better. But the next time I buy them I get sick again. So yesterday at the market, I didn’t buy them. Because I really DON’T LIKE getting sick.
Shame. Shame that I make myself sick.
And Monday I saw the doctor and my BP is 134. Which isn’t high but it’s always always been between 110 and 120, so now, what? I have to worry about salt?
More shame.
I am seriously in favor of ANYthing that eliminates shame.
wriggles said
I am late with my comments but I have very limited access on the computer right now.
The first thing I thought when I read how you see the world Roberta is that you have everything you need. You spoke about seeing this without judgement, I don’t see why we have to wait, you aren’t the only one, for people to give us permission to do this.
I once read a psychologist talk about pleasure how it can be a paradox, you can find yourself doing things a lot because you enjoy them and they satisfy you, and because you don’t enjoy them enough and you are chasing satisfaction a kind of closure of desire.
I feel that we need to clear our minds of the baggage of all food the good and the bad. Healthy food should be cleared of duty therefore our sense that we should be dutiful to it (notice it’s not about our needs but to serve duty, of course we resist!) and that it is tedious and unexciting. Food described often as junk should be cleared of the bad associations with ill health etc, and the good that it is entertaining and tasty tasty tasty!
Maybe we can then look and taste food afresh as it is, trusting ourselves and our bodies to know what we need at anyone time and regain a calm we have lost from eating.
We believe in gentleness and subtlety, why do we leave this out of this area and act surprised when we can gain no peace?
Karensu said
Deborah, I agree that exercise is often boring. (I am fortunate enough to attend one dance class that is almost always fun. Not coincidentally, it is welcoming to all body types.) What helps me keep doing the more boring exercises, on my own, is listening to recorded books while I do it. If you want to try this out for free, find out if your local library has recorded books to lend. There’s starting to be a small amount of fan fiction available in audio format, on the internet, also for free. If you try either of those and find that you like listening while exercising, there are also companies that either rent or sell recorded books (on tape, on CD, and sometimes downloadable). Good luck with finding something that works for you!