The change, it had to come

 

Part I

I am not particularly one who worships via crystals, but I do from time to time wear stones and crystals based on their magical properties. Many, many years ago, someone told me (and I can’t for the life of me remember who) that when you lose a crystal, it means that its work with/for you is complete, and you don’t need it anymore.

Last February, at Wicked Faire, I got a tarot reading and some massage/body work. These two women (the reader and the healer) happened to be situated right near each other, and had connected with each other through the event. Both the reading and the massage were powerful experiences. Separately, each of the women told me I needed more of a particular stone, (one was rose quartz and one was… maybe garnet? amethyst?) and the both told me I needed hematite. So I went and found myself, for only seven bucks, a little beaded bracelet with all the stones, and came back and showed them both. And I wore it every day.

But it was always really hard to put on… the clasp was cheap and annoying.

Separately, I had this friend. A man friend. An entirely unavailable out-of-the-question-on-every-level friend. But I dug him, and had some attachment to him. And there was this one time many many months ago when I was trying to put the stupid thing on in front of him and I secretly wanted him to help me because… because I just so wanted that moment of him helping me on with my bracelet. God, it is such a girl thing to want that, but guess what. Me? That’s right–a girl.

So anyway he sees me struggling and totally offers, and I want him to but also have a twinge of I’m-being-all-manipulative guilt. Whatever. He can’t work the fucking clasp either, and tells me, in sort of an angry-funny way that he sometimes has, that it’s a piece of crap and give it up and he whips it into the trash. And I kind of freak (not a real freak, but a light freak) because I’m supposed to be wearing this thing but I also believe that when a piece like that leaves you it’s for a reason and it isn’t even like I accidentally lost it I mean it was very deliberately discarded (plus I was sitting on this other secret part of how I had wanted it to be him to help me on with it so I’d actually set it up to be struggling in front of him) and now it was this whole universe-driven mastermind so of course I couldn’t wear it anymore. But I fished it out anyway and hung it up at my desk (oh, did I mention this was all at work?).

And last May, the day I lost my job, as I was cleaning out my desk, I took it down and handed it to him and neither of us said a word and he put it on my wrist in like two seconds. And we both were all shiny-eyed. And I have not taken it off since.

Part II

Today, I could not find a parking spot in time for my yoga class. But I spotted a metaphysical shop right down the street from the yoga studio that I’d had no idea was there. So I decided to go in. (I’d already totally blown it on getting to the class.) Tonight I was going to a Samhain ritual, so I was particularly in the mood. I spent a good deal of time in the shop, and it is a lovely shop, but I always end up not really needing anything, so I either pick up some incense or some inexpensive jewelry. (It is only in these little metaphysical shops where the vibe is good and I spend a ton of time browsing and chatting with the people that I do the guilt purchase. I am typically perfectly comfortable with browsing and not spending.)

I found a collection of little bracelets, similar to mine in style, all with cards detailing the properties of the different semi-precious gemstones. These were not expensive, and would sit nicely on my wrist with the other one. I chose carefully, put it on before paying, and have it on now.

Tonight’s ritual was wonderful. It was small and intimate and we honored the dead and the dead really returned the favor. And I received a beautiful gift–someone loaned me a gorgeous ritual robe to wear which, incidentally, is what I was hoping I might find in the store. This particular robe looked more me than any I’d ever had. And I was blatant in my coveting, but made absolutely sure when she said I could keep it that she was really really okay with that because I had been so blatantly coveting.

But sorry, that was a serious digression. Toward the end of the circle I saw something sparkle on the rug. It was a bead.

My old bracelet had come off and apart, right there in the ritual. Something like nine hours after putting the new one on next to it. In a Samhain celebration, when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest. Also considered to be the pagan new year… a time of beginnings and of endings. I quite smoking two years ago on Samhain.

Wild.

Part III

I’m mulling. Here’s what I’ve come up with… the first bracelet was really about some very basic needs, like, to help hold me up and keep me together. The new one is a little more focused and specific. The new one represents loftier goals. I have moved forward.

But also, because of the whole exchange with the co-worker, it became, I think, about that attachment. Perhaps even about my ability… really more a knack, to attach inappropriately. And in some gentleness to me, it also was about saying goodbye to that job and that particular relationship as it was and to that chapter in general.

I have some pretty strong signs that my unemployment is going to end soon… I have one second interview on Monday, and another one to be scheduled. Both are jobs I would take. Offers are expected. And who knows, the city gig could finally make an offer too.

And tonight, something started with someone. It is someone wonderful to whom I have been attracted for a couple of years. It is yet another non-boyfriend situation. He was clear and gentle about that communication. Am I crazy? Am I just setting myself up? Who knows. I don’t think so, I don’t know, we’ll see soon enough. Plus how it ain’t happening ’til it happens, so perhaps I blog too soon. But I am happy about it. He is sweet, sweet sweet and good and kind and loving. And more than a little yummy.

And I think that it could help me, a lot, take the pressure off of me and Joe. This week has felt smother-y to both of us, I think. I have all my focus on him, and he just doesn’t want it. And I don’t even want it there. It’s like a tic, with me.

Blessings to all on this very special night.