Wishing I didn’t wish

Sometimes it’s really okay. For the most part I feel quite positive these days. The job feels good, my days feel good, the future feels good, my body feels good-er than it has, my head feels clear, I feel accomplishment and action and easefulness and forward motion every day. And I don’t feel fragile, which had been a presence for a really long time. I even feel good about Joe and my parting; about how, about when.

But then there are these moments. Yesterday morning I was on the bus, 7:45 AM, and I remembered dreaming about him the night before. We had spoken briefly (in real life, not in my dream) because he had finally (such a long story that I have not blogged about) received his Yule gift from me. And though it was easy and natural to speak to him, I felt a little bristly, and I did not want to stay on the phone too long.

Stars and the moon and a soul to guide you

A piece of millefiore that belonged to my grandmother

The first time I visited Joe was a few weeks after we met, over the July 4th week, 2006. I drove down (all nervous!) on Saturday night and stayed until Wednesday morning. Over the course of those few days I helped Joe, who was deep inside the slow, oddly unpressured process of moving, pack up his belongings and prepare the new space. As I wrote at the time, it was really kind of a perfect first date; an amazing and natural and intimate way, through collaboration, to get to know a person.

Sorting through his life, I found stuff I liked (Joe has cool things!), and Joe easefully gifted me a few items; one was a hat that his ex-wife had made (it’s cool and goofy but just a little too goofy and so I’ve never worn it) and the other was a necklace of his. It’s a beautiful piece; a two-sided pendant on a leather cord. It is primarily bone colored with brass, and the vibe is warm and earthy and maybe a little tribal. On the front is a sun motif. The back actually was missing its center stone, which had been, as best as he recalled, a moon. But I liked it well enough in its current state. The brass beads remind me of milleflore, which I love. And as a woman who wears mostly silver, I like the opportunity to warm it up every now and then. I’ve even written before about wanting more suns to wear.

Pretty.

Now clean up that mess.

I’m an actual victim of credit card/identity theft!

I received an email from Amazon yesterday. The subject was, Your Credit Card Account.

The kind of alive

It really feels good just to do.

Friday night I babysat once again for the delicious Benjamin. The poor guy had a bit of a cold, and it was touch and go there for awhile, would my brother and sister-in-law be able to go out at all? (There was one particularly cranky, miserable, loud hour.) They had canceled their dinner reservations and we all ate together. Eventually the kid relaxed, and his parents went out for a walk and a multi-course dessert. Ben and I played together, and there was a fussy patch where he was insistent that I was not really a proper and worthy caregiver, but we got past that and we had some good times before I got him to bed.

Saturday morning we all went to brunch and a play area before I meandered home. My neck/back/shoulders are not faring too badly these days. I packed for this overnight extremely lightly (managed to get all that I needed into my backpack), but it’s still a rough schlep for me, especially after a long week of backpack commuting. So I keep my meandering focused, before the burning sets in. I got a few errands done and, as always, enjoyed just being in the city. But I didn’t get home until 4:00, and was just exhausted. Stayed in for the rest of the afternoon and evening, not doing a whole heck of a lot (aside from catching up on some other kitchen cleanup).

But this morning I was a whole lot more motivated. Got old laundry put away. Changed my sheets. Did some basic preparation for my week. Went to yoga. After yoga I had a meeting with my sister (like, scheduled, and with laptops) to discuss our Mad Men blog. From the meeting I went straight to a laundromat. That’s right, pre-yoga I packed my car with not only my yoga mat but clothes to change into, a laptop and all my laundry and laundry accoutrements.

Did a little more yoga between laundry and some dinner.

And now I am overdue for bed.

I guess to some people this just reads like a boring, normal, weekend.

But for me, a weekend like this brings me closer in line with like, life. And with the kind of alive I like being.

The Mere Idear of You

Upon further contemplation,

The idea of Joe in my life

kept me company

a lot more

than Joe did.

This is all me, by the way. Something I have done with every single person I have ever coveted. I obsess. I think about you day and night, I want to talk to you a hundred times a day.

Friday Mittenblogging

(or, my mom rules.)

I spent a lot of money on a really great hat. REALLY great hat. It is like half an inch thick and keeps my head very warm.

I have drawn eyes so you can see where my head goes.

I don’t want much, I just want more

I want a website. I want a songwriting partner. I want to record an album. I want lots of money. I want to be famous. I want new glittery eyeliner. I want frequent massages. I want to enjoy whatever food I eat. I want to love what I look like. I want those last two thoughts to be forever unrelated. I want an office desk and chair. I want a wireless router and ergenomically supportive computer accessories.

I want a life partner. I want wonderful love, wonderful sex, wonderous friendship. I want a baby. I want a beautiful, full head of hair. I want a housekeeper. I want a handyman. I want some great jeans. I want a tattoo of a peacock on my arm. I want my bills paid on time. I want a career in voiceovers and jingle singing. I want to go to many festivals. I want to travel. I want a wardrobe of watches. I want a healthy, pain-free body. I want to siiing. I want non-irritated skin.

I want to deepen my yoga. I want to read a thousand books. I want a bottle of Maybe Baby perfume. I want a great kitchen. I want a porch. I want a Martin guitar. I want in-laws. Nice ones. I want a new couch (or a fantastic refurbished old couch). I want dance classes and vocal coaching and my ring from Billy and Broadway and off-Broadway show tickets and a pianist/arranger devoted to me and a few new skirts and an oil change.

I want to be kissed by a man who thinks I am so wonderful, so beautiful, so amazing, that he cannot bear the thought of another moment going by without kissing me.

I want all my family and friends and loved ones to have everything on their lists too, so that they have expectations they can exceed.

Delicious and Comfort-able

Last week I mentioned that I would describe the yummy dinner I made myself.

A little background first. My most ultimate comforty food in the world involves chicken pieces, on the bone, cooked in some kind of sauce. Chicken Paprikash, Coq a Vin, Arroz con Pollo, Chicken Cacciatore… I love them all.

Since my weight loss surgery (just a few days short of four years ago), I haven’t been able to eat much meat or chicken. Basically, if the meat is too dense it has been too hard to control the portion, and tends to get me too full and sometimes sick. Fish is easier, ground meat, tuna salad, and ham (I guess because it’s processed) I do much better with than solid meats. Mushy foods. It’s why I eat so many eggs (I wasn’t nearly so much of an egg guy before the surgery).

Wheels of Fire

Yesterday I finally felt better, physically. Did a few errands and such. I am so relieved.

Now all week, while I’ve been sick, I’ve had my eye on getting to a party last night. A friend of mine and his girlfriend are known for throwing great parties, and I’ve never been to one. Pete is about ten years older than me and has been a working musician for probably 30 years. He and I have a great and loving and flirtatious relationship, and his girlfriend is pretty damn terrific. So a houseful of their friends sounded like an event I needed to be at. And I was feeling up for it (yay!), though I figured, no drinking and home around midnight. Ha!

I pulled it very together, considering I’d been sick all week and crying in bits all day. Again, nothing horrible, but I think about things and tears leak. I wore the jacket that Joe bought me… it was perfect for this event. A sparkly black too-much-cleavage-revealing tank top underneath, and then just jeans and boots and a fabulous party face of makeup. It all came off pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. (If I Do Say So Myself… great blog name.) Oh! And at the last minute I took my earrings off and, remembering what I had written in a different blog, switched to a more magical choice.

The party was loaded with incredible men, many of whom were musicians.

Square Pegs

There will probably be some small bites about this as I process.

This process shouldn’t be too hard or take too long, being as pretty much the last four months, or eleven, depending on how you view it, have been about me accepting, or preparing to accept, that Joe and I aren’t forever.

What are the ways in which it is important that you match, and what are the ways in which it is important that you fit?

I was always aware that Joe and I don’t match. We have some common ground and compatible opinions and preferences, but we are foundationally very, very different. However there was always something comfortable about us, whether alone together or around other people, as a ‘couple’, as it were. We fit so nicely.