shine of afterglow, even long before it’s so

Oh my, having a hard time motivating today. I am still so unwell. It’s making me crazy. I’m not so sick that I need to sleep all day, but it is very easy to do.

I had a good week at work; hectic and stressy but good. The stressiness at this place does not wear me down.

Friday night I attended a perfectly lovely spring equinox ritual. Good connections and strong magical work and big strong cuddles.

It’s here. Spring. For real. With all it’s swishing around of blustery winds and promising sunshine intense rainstorms and damn it’s still so cold and who knew it could be this beautiful.

Oscar and I spoke a few more times on the phone during the week, and then yesterday he canceled our date at the last minute. I was pretty unhappy. I believe he was being entirely truthful; he was in the car and his stomach was acting all kinds of fucked up and it just seemed like a bad plan; he was to drive from fairly far out in Brooklyn to meet me near me so it was a big schlep, and also he said that he didn’t want to be sitting across from me, meeting me for the first time, feeling like that.

All of that is fair enough, but he’d canceled on me a bunch of times… never so last minute, but still, I keep setting time aside for this. And more the point… I broke my don’t-get-on-the-phone-until-the-last-possible-moments-before-you-meet rule. And so despite all my powers of will and intellect (which are not exactly my superpowers), I am already experiencing the stuff. Excitement when he calls. Difficulty hanging up. The hopes are tempered but hopeful. There is attachment. It’s all pumped up beyond what the situation merits.

So. I was a little cold about it, and I told him I don’t want us getting on the phone until this is properly rescheduled and we’ve met. I then followed up with a very ‘me’ email, further expanding on my feelings about the situation. And I was all, do I send something like this? It’s a little intense. My decision was, yes. Because this is me, I’m intense like that, and we’ve already opened up a bit, and if he looks at this email and decides that I’m too much or just crazy, well, then I’m all wrong for him.

The email goes a little something like this:

And while I believe you when you say you are not jerking me around, I ask that you be understanding that I am a bit jerked around, regardless of your intention… Please keep in mind that you might be the nicest and most dependable person in the world, but I wouldn’t know that, because I don’t know you at all; we don’t know each other yet.

…I talk to you, and I get a little giddy… hopeful for what could possibly be with this possibly wonderful person with whom there could be… that elusive chemistry. But with that comes a vulnerability. And the short end of that is what I’m sitting with right now.

I email like I blog.

His answer was basically: I totally understand, and don’t disagree, and btw, you’re not the only one who had spiffed up. Score one for Oscar, who remains in the running.

Yesterday I met with Todd to start the recording process. We mostly just came up with a game plan. I played the songs for him (I will want to produce at least five or six with him) and we set tempos, which I need to practice playing to a metronome. This will make the recording go more smoothly. We are both really excited about this project. After getting stood up I headed over to Guitar Center to get new strings and play guitars and think about buying them and also buy a better tuner and a metronome which turned out to be too expensive so I found the right one online and that should be coming soon; in the meantime I can click to a free program. If there is one place I want to be when dressed for a canceled date, it’s Guitar Center. I love musicians. so much.

I did a bit of yoga yesterday. That was a good thing. I meant to go to a class today, but I just feel so weak, I didn’t want the energy sap. I might have felt so great afterward, but the notion was daunting.

And Joe… still lingers. We communicate. I flutter.

Equinox = perfect balance, and it only gets brighter from here. Full moon = expansion and potential.

Bring it.