Younger than the sun

All my watches are losing time.

(Or is it gaining time? whatever… they’re going slow.)

Back in January, right after I got hired (thus ending a seven-month period of unemployment and a piling up of low-priority cash-restricted errands) I took a bunch of my watches to a watch guy in Grand Central Station for new batteries.

Just recently, (like, over the last week and a half) one by one, they’ve been slowing down. Fortunately I haven’t missed a bus because of it, but it has happened now three times with three watches.

Weird.

It’s like… time is changing.

Or maybe I’m changing time. I wonder if it’s something happening in my body. Ooh! Could it be the iron pills? Interesting…

Speaking of time. Yesterday was my birthday. I always connect with my birthday, so it seems right to do a look back. It has been a surprising year, one that started shaky, got worse, and then slowly got better. And I am starting to settle into (as in, really wiggle around until my butt feels grounded into my big comfy but sturdy armchair) feeling good. I like where I am, where my head is, and where I am going.

I don’t know how long it’s been since I have felt that way. If I have ever, in fact, felt that way.

The interesting thing for me now is to read just how bad it was last year. Last year it was so bad I was worried about my birthday; I was feeling low enough that I had to brace myself for how low I might dip. I was really suffering there for awhile. I’ve recently been reflecting on that, and appreciating my stability. It was bad. for a long time. (far preceding and well expanding beyond the Joe issues) and, if we recall, I got myself into therapy. I’m all for therapy, and maybe I’ll go again at some point, but it’s nice not to need it.

One thing that started around a year ago was my going back to celebrating the sabbats in Wiccan rituals/circles. G’head, google. This reconnection, which is a beautiful combination of spiritual and social (in my experience it is quite blended) has tickled me awake and forward from the inside and outside too.

I lost my job last Memorial Day. Ka-thunk. Hadn’t seen it coming. It intensely colored the rest of my year. I was without a full-time position for seven months. And there was this somewhat dream quality… I remember saying, well into autumn, I’m having a weird summer. It’s like… when there is a terrific overnight thunderstorm, and you spend all night anticipating the bright and sunshining dawn. And then it’s morning, and still storming. (This is especially potent if you’re camping.) It was like that. Seven months of a weird summer.

My weird summer went something like this: I looked for jobs. I hid in my apartment and slept too much. I went to open mics and jams. I went to a Rocky Horror reunion. Joe and I moved back towards each other. I performed as Squeaky Fromme in an original workshop/musical about the Manson family; the role had been written with me in mind. The week I got fired Orien Rose had her accident (also heavily colored my experience. of the summer. of life.). I re-entered the world of guitars and coffee shops, as a performer. I recorded a set of voiceover demos. I went on interviews (very few). I fantasized about a life non-corporate, and moved forward on some of the things I could incorporate into that life. I started watching a new show called Mad Men. I began reading a lot about fat acceptance, health at every size, and other stuff.

Right after Labor Day, I started freelancing in the city, and after four months, just before Christmas, they made me an offer. I now have a job I like going to every day, and I’ve been at for four or eight months, depending on how you count.

Compared to last year, here are some things that are different; some things that are going on:

My bills are mostly paid, mostly on time. And I mostly have a sense of where I’m at with that. That second part in particular is really new.

I’ve read some books. I read. Not a lot and not fast, but I read now.

Joe and I broke up again. Still friends. Still want him. sort of. Not crying.

I work in Manhattan.

I’m thinking about moving. Maybe to the city, maybe a borough, maybe a more commutable location within New Jersey, maybe I’m staying put.

I have a lot of hang time with Benjamin. We’re developing an awesome relationship.

This year I did not write posts on either the anniversary of my weight loss surgery or on my breast/arm surgery. I am confused as to my feelings about some of the issues, but also, and I think more prominently, I am assimilated. I don’t feel like a freak; I certainly don’t feel a harsh sense of before and after. I’ve gained a lot of weight back, and I’m kind of… well, me. Ultimately, I had nothing to say this year.

I have taken some voiceover workshops, and have another one coming up.

I gig a bit more (music) and have networked a bit. I have a showcase coming up soon.

I am working on an album of my original songs. One of my songs, Stowaway’s Compromise, is going to be used as the opening sequence in an independent film called From the Inside. I’m sorry but HOLY CRAP!!!

My sister and I started a blog devoted to Mad Men and it’s enjoying a great deal of success and attention.

I am a lot, lot greener. I keep meaning to post about it. I have a long way to go. But I wash out ziploc bags and I carry a Nalgene and I even carry a dunkin donuts plastic cup around in my backpack even though my frigging back is very weak. Sometimes, just sometimes, I bring plastic containers from home when I go to the supermarket, and use them at the olive bar, and have even once or twice handed them to a deli guy and ask him to use it (never un-awkward). I ask for ‘no bag’ at a lot of stores. I carry around folded up brown paper bags from last time I bought breakfast and reuse them for this time. I try. I do. I leave all my lights on all the time. I suck about lights. But using a LOT less paper napkins and paper towels. /mini-rant.

I made my dining room into an office. Partially. And set up a ’studio corner’ in my living room, complete with mike and amps.

There is more yoga. Sort of.

I date from time to time. It doesn’t even always suck. I’ve kissed toads and princes.

My nails look great.

I’m chasing around some physical stuff, seeing doctors, trying to get a consensus as to how best I should be treated for what, (and I now know I am pretty anemic), but, and this is shocking… my migraines, which have plagued me for like thirty years, have all but disappeared.

I keep saying it, because it’s true. The motion continues to be forward. A year ago things were not good. Two years ago things were worse. This year is… a pleasure.

For the record, I had a really great birthday. Thursday night we had a nice work-people drinking thing at a very fun bar, for me and one young woman whose birthday was earlier in the week. Just a blast. My bus got me home around 11. And in a totally surprising move, I went over to the Notch. The weather was too great not too; I haven’t been going out during the week, and the Notch just sings once the bikers come out. Charlie Jones was playing, and just the right people were there. I shared a birthday shot with some folks (at midnight), and also had a super sweet, really fun encounter with someone. He and I have been quick connecting for a few years. We have plans to make plans. We’ll see. Regardless, I got my birthday kiss. And that, my friends, is the way to kick off a really great year.

(My actual birthday was fine. I was, you know, tired. Brad took me out for a lovely dinner and I was home and asleep by 10:30. Way to feel my age.)