My weekend was so full and delicious.
First of all, the preceding workweek was amazingly and unprecedentedly peaceful. Two occurences magically converged—there was breaking news/drug complications in my therapeutic category (I work for a promotional medical education agency whose clients = big pharma companies) that is basically an opportunity for new messaging on one of our major brands. And what it meant for most of my team was that all our work is on hold until they work this out. And so we had nearly nothing to do. Every day last week. And? My direct supervisor, who is directly evil, was on vacation. Had she been in, my ass would have been in my chair until 6:00 every night, but because she was out, I could leave at 5:00, 5:30, even 4:30 on Thursday (and we were closed Friday yaaay). It was all legitimate; the appropriate people were aware of my departure times— she just would have made it difficult for me. So there was a lot of breathing last week.
And then my weekend. I got a phone call while I was on the bus home on Thursday; an invite to a happy hour. So by 7:00 I was over at the Notch, having a whiskey sour, playing my guitar on the porch in a little song exchange with some friends. It was such a great jumpstart.
The full weekend included:
- One date with someone I’ve been seeing. One date with someone new. (maybe a date. the jury is out, but it was datelike.)
- Two live bands; Thursday night and Friday night.
- A walk around downtown Jersey City to start scoping out the possibility of living there. Very proud of myself for doing that, and mom joined me, which helped.
- Some fooding for the following parties; I made my very first cheesecakes (lemon) which came out delicious, and my nearly-epic potato salad
- Two sets of music, now that I think of it—the first I already mentioned, but I also played a real set at Ray and Tracy’s, with Ray and Adam and Arthur drumming along.
- Three parties:
> Friday night at Peter and Lori’s—they have wonderful outdoor parties that feel kind of like high school only everyone is old.
> Saturday at Ray and Tracy’s, good friends, a maybe date and only a bit of drama. Then we watched the Ridgewood fireworks which kind of kicked ass
> Sunday at mom’s, which was really nice. Connected with the daughters (one especially) of a friend of my mom’s. And Benjamin and Evy were there. Any time spent with Ben and Evelyn is a good time.
Honestly by Saturday morning I already felt like I’d had a full weekend, and it just went on and on.
It’s just—overall my life feels lighter, and I feel abundance everywhere. Since when? This phase kicked off after the weekend with Joe (or, after the aftermath of), followed by the weekend where I went to Paul’s memorial, and then a few weeks later I was at Free Spirit, and at Free Spirit I did major shamanic work, and I keep feeling the shift.
(But all year. The tattooing in January, leading into the drummer I was seeing, leading into making plans to see Joe. I have been feeling the upswing… upping and swinging, for many months.)
I don’t know if I should be writing anything about what I might start writing about. Just—there is this boy I like. I mean sure, there are lots of boys I like, and I’m maybe even seeing a few of them. But there is this boy I like.
I am obsessing for sure, because that is what I do. I can’t get this one out of my mind, and I have a hope and a dream and a wonder.
And so A) he is not a good idea at this time, plus B) I don’t even feel like he likes me back.
But I can’t stop thinking about what might happen down the line when A) it becomes a better time for him, and B) what if he starts to like me back? Or maybe he already does, only I just don’t know it.
Yes. I am being all kinds of cryptic again. I really need to. But I will name him Mason for this blog.
I’ve had no indication that he likes me back, in the ‘likes’ me way. He most certainly likes me in the ‘friend’ (ugh) way. Who wouldn’t?
The other day though, there was a slight break in the ‘like’ department—an indication. A possible indication of the other kind of ‘like’. Which, while it could be nothing, it could also absolutely be something.
To be filed under the category of, Roberta, Leave this all the fuck alone and stop pushing the river.
My worst category, for those of you who haven’t been following along at home.
And so the indication, or my interpretation of this indication, is like, Danger Will Robinson.
It’s complicated, and it’s private, why Mason is not an option right now, and why any closeness now would be a bad thing. And in my head of heads, I do not want him liking me right now.
Of course, my head of heads is not what will make my decisions. Because in my heart of hearts I want to be with him as much as I have ever wanted to be with anyone. More. I’m gonna go with more.
And so what am I gonna do? I’m gonna follow this thing. Of course I am. I’m already breaking some rules I’d set up for myself. And if he somehow wants to see me, I’ll see him. And if something happens between us and I know it’s a mistake, I’ll make the mistake.
Somehow, this little thing got indicated. Somehow, he couldn’t help himself with leaking this little extra piece of affection that I would never have seen coming.
And I’m fully obsessed. I see that too. I go a few days, but then we interact and my stomach is doing acrobatics and I’m buzzing. I’m up half the night with the excitement of having interacted.
I try to think through scenarios. And I thought through one touch. ONE touch; I pictured us hanging in a non-date setting and us maybe cooking together or something and as we’re in the kitchen his hand touches my back as we work. I got to that moment in my head and I physically flashed on the affect it had on me. Jolts of heat and emotion. I flashed on all of that. If he wants me, he gets me.
And all I can hope is that between the insanity that is me obsessed, and the brokenness that is him in his current situation, that this either is guided by magical lightness into something substantive and long-lasting, or it fades the fuck away before it goes anywhere at all.
