Maybe tonight

I’ll just blog a little bit before bed. I had a migraine all day and the last two days at work I was just a moody motherfucker, but right now I’m sort of okay. Tired, but not overwhelmingly so.

There has just been so much, if I look back at the year since January it just hasn’t stopped for me. Change. New things. That’s what hasn’t stopped. And a lot of work. Long, long work hours. And a great deal of inactivity in between.

Hm. At the beginning of the year I was feeling pretty great, and right now I feel a little crummy. Not horrible, not despairing, not even rotten. Just not my greatest. But I wonder (and that was the ‘hm’) if the feelings are accurate indicators for how I’m actually doing. I don’t, in fact, feel that I’m doing poorly. And so it occurs to me, and I believe I’ve written about this before, that when I’m feeling my best is not necessarily when I’m ‘on top of’ things, for lack of a better way to illustrate.

I dunno.

Lately.

A few months ago I got swept off my feet by an image of a man. And it is the image of what I want which swept me off my feet–the man did no such thing. I mean, the man was real (he is real) but I hardly know him and he has shown no interest in me. There is no relationship–he is a crush, if you will. But a crush that has been high impact. This man, or the idea of this man, is someone I could see myself totally digging, enjoying the crap out of talking with him and learning from him and doing things with him–cooking or driving or adventuring or mundaning. I can see it all, but I can also feel how easy it is and how fun. And that , even just the fantasy, has offered me a glimmer of what being with the right person could feel like.

While in fact there has been a series this year of the wrong persons.

What I want to write about these days is so intimate that I don’t think I can write about it in this forum. It is my ultimate exploration, but frankly it exposes all my specifics and let’s face it, I’m pretty public, so maybe not such a good idea. My Mad Men blog is getting me well over my 15 minutes of fame (as you may know, because you may just be someone who found this blog via that one).

So what I want to write about is the relationship and confusion around affection, sexual relationships, intimacy, degrees of caring–all that stuff. I want to write about it because writing it out helps me to work it out. And it is so tangley.

But kind of it’s none of your business.

And so this is my dilemma.

l dated someone for about six weeks early this year, although we sort of started talking about getting together for at least a month before that.

And then there was someone else in the early part of the summer.

In there was a weekend at Joe’s house, where we came together and broke apart, only this time was the final time.

And a week later I met Mr. Feet Sweeper.

And I have been managing each of these situations, and the psychic aftermath. But it’s been a lot.

And I’ve learned so much, and drawn lots of conclusions.

And then a few weeks ago, something happened with a new man and everything I thought I’d worked out changed.

Basically, this was a friend. A buddy. One with flirtation, but not one with strong attraction, at least from my end. Mild interest at best, and considering how many people are my type, this is a practically flaccid report.

And there was some kissing. And like, it came out of silliness. A hair more mature than spin-the-bottle.

It turned into a bit of extended kissing-type activity.

But here is the thing–there was tenderness. Intimacy. And a beautiful connection.

And neither of us ever saw that coming.

And my head is spinning just from that information. (okay and the experience). I thought I was done with having feelings form from that vantage point. I thought I’d grown out of it, that it was an impossibility. And so it changes everything about anyone that I like a little.

As for this guy, we’re not a match. There are reasons and huge big drama that I’m not gettin’ into. But it’s enough to say that we aren’t seeing each other, and we won’t be.

And he is a lovely person and it has been a devastating experience for me, in both good and bad ways.

There has been so much else going on, stuff at work and Mad Men stuff and money stuff; several new friendships and other old relationships starting to heal. All that and then this surprise dropped into the middle of it.

It took me a little while to adjust. There were a lot of text messages at first, and a surprise meeting in the middle of Manhattan (in a coincidence of biblical proportion), and some phone calls and some facebook annoyance. But I am definitely close to the edge of the woods–I can see it from here. Really, I’m doing well.

I am!